The Gluttonous Kisaragi & Not So Joyeux Noël
by howlin blood
Summary: Jin makes a living hell out of Noel's life, by eating every delicious food that originally belonged to her & without her permission. Even when that Gluttonous Kisaragi eats his own stuff it would still comically finds a way to make Noel's life even more miserable. Plus he has an ulterior motive for all of these shenanigans. Read on to find out more.
1. Sleepless Night In Kagutsuchi

**Oh boy, it feels quite risky on putting this fic on this site. Seriously I'm sweating right now.** **Well, the inspiration for this story came from a real-life couple that I'm personally acquainted with. It based on their story and I just had the honour of fucking it up with Seth Rogen's humour.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Blazblue, Naruto, WWE, Batman and The Incredible Hulk. All rights belong to their respective owners.**

* * *

 **At The Airport**

Noel was reading horoscope from some fashion magazine. Reading such things would help her to wait. 'He' always called her passive-impulsive person. Sure, she wasn't a fan of waiting that bit was true. But she wasn't quite sure that there was such term as 'passive-aggressive' in the dictionary. 'He' always had a knack for creating new words.

However, speaking of horoscope even in this magazine her love compatibility with Aquarius didn't look much promising. Words like 'lack of spontaneity', "domineering streak', 'lack of emotional connection', "conflicting values" and etc only reinforced her doubt regarding the long-term viability of their relationship. It was ironic that she was about to be married to a perfectly incompatible partner like him. Her compatibility with Pisces (Ragna) and Capricorn (Kagura) looked much better on the other hand.

Noel then peeked at the Flight Information Display System (TV screens that display arrivals and departures flight information in real-time) and much to her relief 'his' plane had just arrived from England.

After waiting for seven minutes or so a slender young man of average height carrying a roll along was moving towards Noel. He had a short, blonde hair and when he came at a close proximity Noel observed that he had two set of green eyes that were quite similar to her's. He wore a blue dress shirt that was unbuttoned, with a black t-shirt inside and a plain blue jeans and brown snickers.

Noel smirked at him as she knew who he was: "Jin!" She hugged him. After they broke off the hug the blonde man asked: "Is that a bouquet?" As he pointed his fingers at the collection of flowers on Noel's arm.

"Yes. I wanted us to take pictures here. You know. You've finally came back to Kagutsuchi after such a long time. Bouquet would make this occasion even more memorable."

"Ummmmm...Jin...you must've aeroplane ears...this would help...I hope..." As Noel takes out gum stick, that had a picture of a panda on its cover.

"Hopefully it does." As Jin takes fourteen out of fifteen gum sticks from the pack.

"Huh! Why did you take all of the gums? I meant one or two, not all fourteen?" Noel was incensed as those gum sticks were rare and it had to be bought from shops specializing in imported goods. 'Yum Gums' weren't popular that much popular to begin with, but it had a symbol of 'Udo The Panda' as its mascot on its cover. Yum Gum's brand was of immense importance to Noel on an emotional level at least as she was a notorious Panda-phile. Consult Ms Litchi Fayeling for further information.

"Jeez Noel! I left you one, didn't I? Besides I'm doing you a favour." Jin said he chewed all fourteen of the gums together. Noel had no clue, what kind of human being is capable enough to eat all those fourteen gum stick at the same time.

"Favour? What kind of favour?"

"You see...your grandma suffered from diabetes...I don't want the same thing to happen to you as well..."

"For starters it was my great grandma...not my living grandmother and also I'm adopted. There is a fine difference between the two Jin. And secondly both of your parents are suffering from Type 2 Diabetes...so you're not really doing me a favour here..."

"I'm willing to be a love martyr for your cause Noel. I'm the guy who takes a bullet for the hero on war movies...Besides who says that lighting doesn't strike twice. So you should be careful of Diabetes... because statistics says so."

"Don't make things up Jin. This has nothing to do with statistics."

"You shure? Cause your great grandma was also named Noel. And she also had diabetes. And according to the Laws of Probability, you're going to get Diabetes if you're not careful. Lucky for you I'm here to save the day."

"Laws of Probability? At least you could've come up with a better name. I know what's going on. You're trying to make me so much angry that I would turn into Tsundere so that I could finally cuss. But you know what? It won't work."

"Wow! Your creativity for coming up with the weirdest of Twilight Zone fanfics is boundless."

"Don't deny it. You know what I'm talking about." Noel hissed.

 _~Flashback Lausanne, Switzerland~_

 _Both Noel and Jin were enjoying the clean air of Swiss Alps while wrapping arms around each other._

 _"So how did it go between you and daddy?"_

 _"Well our man-to-man talk didn't go that much well."_

 _"Really what happened?"_

 _"Well, he threatened me to stay away from you. He said I was a bad influence on you."_

 _"Then what did you say?"_

 _"And I said like hell I would give a shit about your threats Oldboy. That shit wouldn't be any ordinary shit Edgar no sire. That would be more like a cocktail of dog shit, kangaroo shit and grizzly bear shit all gloriously combined together. That shit cocktail would be the ultimate all you can eat buffets for all the disgusting insects around the world damn it!..."_

 _"Ewwwwwwwwwww Jin! Don't make disgusting jokes. I was almost about to throw up." Noel shook her head to eject the nightmarish images from her brain: "I now know why daddy disapproves of you."_

 _"Seriously, like fucking why?"_

 _"Your knack for using, profane language, just like you did now."_

 _"Maybe you're not wrong. After my banter, your father was so red that I could've sworn that psycho was reaching for his gun. Thank God you're hot mom came just in time."_

 _"Hot mom? You just didn't say that Jin did you?"_

 _"I was only joking Noel. So your old man hates cussing huh?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Why would that be?" Jin looked at Noel's face closely._

 _"Because he thinks that people who cuss are bound to go to hell. Plus we Mennonites aren't not allowed to use profane languages." Noel avoided at making eye contact with Jin._

 _"Interesting, I always wondered why you never cussed. Is it because that you also believed that every cusser would be condemned to hell because of their bad habit?"_

 _"Jin what I believe in isn't important."_

 _"It's important for me Noel. Do you believe that I would also be condemned to hell because of my foul language?"_

 _Noel stared down as she tried to avoid making eye contact with Jin. The blonde man then smirked: "Oh you think I would. Don't worry all of the adult video stars, actresses, female singers, bimbos and prostitutes would be there to accompany me. You know it would be like my personal harem. Who wants to go heaven anyways ogle at those old, hairy nuns. Not me that's for sure."_

 _"Jin that's enough!"_

 _"Seriously Noel I love you. I would be pretty lonely in hell without you. Why don't say the magic word? Then both of us will be together forever. It doesn't matter if good ol Mr Satan would be barbecuing our ass with red, hot coal for eternity. But as long as we're together nothing else matters."_

 _"Jin stop it!" Noel looked at the blonde in a threatening manner._

 _"Seriously Noel I would be forced to cheat with Makoto if I ended up in hell in alone. This is really a limited time offer."_

 _"Keep that limited time offer to yourself. Because I know you're coercing me to swear. But it won't work. I've been raised as a good Christian for as long as I can remember. So if you that think you could corrupt me with your futile effort then you have another thing coming mister and guet nacht!(good night in Swiss)" Noel stamped her heels as she trotted back to her house._

 _Jin then smirked: "Playing hard to get heh? I love a good challenge. Someday I'm goanna make you cuss."_

* * *

By this point in time, both Noel and Jin were practically married and she was talking to her husband on her mobile phone: "So how's the work going?"

"To tell ya the truth I'm not at work right now. Mr. Clover allowed me an early leave just for today since it's my birthday. I hope you prepared a huge surprise for me."

"I'm sorry Jin I didn't know..."

"The hell? How selfish can you be? Today is my special day and you forgot about that? Blasphemy I tell you. Blasphemy! My birthday is about love, alcohol and sex. You should've cared woman. Pretty sure you're goanna get coal from Santa for your next Christmas."

"I...I...I'm really sorry Jin...I didn't know you... were..." Noel was on the verge of crying.

"Hey, hey, Noel don't cry. I was only joking. My real intention was only to make swear not to break your heart on Valentine's Day. That would be ironic if that happened."

"WHAT?"

"Say the D word."

After a considerable pause, Noel finally says it: "Darn you Jin."

"Oh God, you're really PG with your insults. But it doesn't matter. I've got a big surprise for you."

"Really?"

"I brought cheesecake slices for both of us from Waldorf-Astoria."

"REALLY?"

"Affirmative. You know it's strange that I'm actually surprising you on my own birthday. Shouldn't this be other way around? But I like it this way. I'm the first guy who surprises other people on my birthday."

"Yeah, I suppose so."

~Two Hours Later~

"Ya know." As Jin eat a spoonful his cake slice: "If I had my first heartbreak on Valentine's Day and if I ate this expensive yet not so delicious cake at that moment. I would forget all about my heartbreak and would rather brood on why I bought this travesty of a desert in a first place. It's a perfect remedy for heartache. A remedy that cost a lot of money, but still it's worth the treatment."

"Come on Jin! It's not that much bad. It's quite good on the contrary."

"Well, the only reason you're enjoying this expensive dessert is that you're a bona fide high maintenance girl. But good thing is that you're my kind of high maintenance girl. You might hurt my wallet but in the end, you allow me to tap that juicy ass yours and allow me to shoot some milk cream on your face."

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! You disgusting pervert. Ouch!" Jin immediately slapped Noel ass.

"Don't do that. That's harassment." Noel protested.

"What do you mean?"

"You've been touching me inappropriately, sniffing my hair in an indecent manner, calling me by inappropriate names, making perverted jokes and..." Noel had tears in her eyes: "making fun of my boobs...Those are top five worst things that any man can do to a woman according to Gloria Steyn."

"I'm pretty sure that I could come up with the sixth worst thing by the end of this year. Consider the sixth thing as my new year's present." Jin then observes the menacing look in Noel's eyes: "Oh I love that look in your eyes. How about a F You word Noel?"

"Jin you clearly don't get what sexual harassment is?"

"I know sexual harassment is. But how is it relevant to our discussion?"

"It has everything to do with it. Everything you've done to me including those top five worse things are all part of sexual harassment."

"Noel, those weren't sexual harassment."

"Those were."

"No, they weren't. Do you want to know why?

"Why?"

"Marriage."

"Marriage?" Noel was almost choked her own breath.

"Yes, marriage. Lord Odin practically legalized sexual harassment with the institution of marriage. It's very similar to legalizing weeds by those old fuckers running the NOL office."

"Jin I know what you're trying to do. You're making all of these horrible jokes just so I could swear? You've even blasphemously joked about Lord Odin. What kind of sick satisfaction do you get from doing all that?"

"It's not me, It's you Noel. You need to cuss. By not cussing you're like a caged bird. You need to be free and only I can give you that freedom. I'm your destined saviour."

Noel immediately got up from her table: "That's enough Jin. Since the day I've told you about my reason for not cussing. You're trying your best to undermine my faith. But it won't work. It will never work. We're not going to discuss this Jin and guet nacht (good night)." Before going to bed she put the remainder of her cheesecake in the fridge, as she intended to finish her dessert tomorrow. She might not have the bust but she was proud of her slim figure and she wanted to maintain it that way for the foreseeable future.

~The Next Night~

Noel who worked as a nurse returned to her house after a long day at the office. Today was especially demanding as she had to endure the rude behaviour of the families of various patients. Some of them even threatened to kill the doctor if he didn't save their kin. Thankfully it didn't come to that. But still she was stressed out and the only thing that could brighten her mood was a nice, creamy, cheesecake that she saved from yesterday.

When she entered the kitchen her mood immediately turned foul on finding out that Jin was already finish eating the cheesecake for her: "What're you doing?"

"I'm eating a cheesecake."

"I know what you're eating. But why are you eating it?"

"Is there a problem with that?"

"Of course there's a problem Jin! You did that on purpose, just so that I could swear. But it won't..." Noel slammed her left fist on the table: "WOOOOORRK!"

"Nope, I didn't do that on purpose. I was just hungry. But, it seems like eating your favourite food is the best way of pushing your buttons. I should just write that down in my journal."

"Don't you dare Jin or I would..."

"Or you're gonna do what? Do exactly what I wanted all along?" Jin grinned.

 _"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_ Screamed the Inner Sakura inside the young Vermillion. But on the outside, Noel pretended to remain calm. Noel didn't really know whether she had Inner Sakura until today that is and that was in no small part thanks to Jin who had awakened dark beast inside of her. She feared that next time when Jin would eat her favourite dessert she wouldn't be able to control her mouth.

~Location: Home Time: 3:25 Am in the Morning~

Noel had trouble sleeping tonight as she was being disturbed by the munching sounds.

 _CHOMP!_

 _CHOMP!_

Although she had not seen the mysterious eater, but her educated guess would point fingers on Jin. He was called 'The Gluttonous Kisaragi' for a reason.

 _CHOMP!_

 _CHOMP!_

Noel squirmed as the sound of munching became unbearable.

 _CHOMP!_

 _CRUNCH!_

 _"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"_ Noel immediately muffled her mouth with both of her hands. She was in a state of disbelief now as she cussed with her own mouth.

But then she realized that she never cussed. Not with her mouth anyway. It was actually her Inner Sakura that screamed 'Shut the Fuck Up' inside her brain. But still, she was unnerved that even her Inner Sakura had started to swear. Noel decided that she needed to control her Inner Sakura's before it's too late.

Anyways, Noel found out that it wasn't Jin who was making those munching sound as he was fast asleep. This new discovery only mortified Noel. What kind of sicko would go so far as disturbing someone's sleep by crunching snacks near their ears?

 _"CRUNCH!"_

 _"CHOMP!"_

There it was again. Noel turned her head towards the direction where that noise came from and realized it was: "JIN?" This didn't make much sense. Wasn't Jin fast asleep a few moments ago? Or was he pretending to sleep?

Noel observed him closely. She found out that Jin was eating cashew nuts from a jar that was conveniently placed on a nightstand near his side of the bed. Well, the ridiculous part of the whole ordeal was that his eyes were still closed as if he was sleeping.

 _"CHOMP!"_

 _"CHOMP!"_

How could one sleep while eating at the same time? She had heard of sleepwalking. She had even heard of sleeptalking. But sleep eating? Never. This was officially the third ridiculous thing one do while sleeping. Noel had a flying suspicion that Jin was the only one with this ridiculous habit.

 _"THAT SON OF A BITCH! LET'S KICK HIS ASS CHA!"_ As Inner Sakura performed punching pose.

"You better control that mouth of yours young lady." Noel whispered to herself. Although she feared that Jin would continue disturbing her sleep. But she had a neat idea on how to stop him.

 _"CRUNCH!"_

 _"CHOMP!_ "

As Jin tried to eat another fistful of cashew nuts, Noel suddenly grabs the jar from the nightstand. Jin slowly opens his eyes as he first looks at the nightstand where the jar was and then at Noel who was holding the jar: "Hey Noel." He greeted wearily.

"Hey, Jinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn." Noel said as sweetly as she could muster while gritting her teeth. She was even tempted to smash that jar on his face. Suddenly, Jin went back to sleep without Noel ever touching him.

 _"zzzZZZ !"_

 _"zzzZZZ !"_

Which made the Inner Sakura inside Noel scream at her failure: _"WHAT THE FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK?"_

* * *

The very next morning Noel was sleeping peacefully until her nose caught a horrendous stench: "Phew! I can't stand this smell?" Noel pinched her nose.

"Whaa...at smell?" Jin replied wearily as he got up from the bed where Noel was panicking right now.

On spotting brownish semi-solid substance on Jin's shirt, Noel shrieked in horror: "Ja..ja...Jii...Jii..n...There's excrement on you..r sh...shi...shir...t...!"

"Excrement? You mean shit?" Jin then looks at the brownish stain on his shirt: "OH MY GOD! THERE IS A SHIT ON MY SHIRT & IT SMELLS HORRIBLE!" Jin screamed in horror.

"STOPPPPPPPP SWEARING!" Noel panicked.

Jin then started to sniff his own shirt: " _Sniff! Sniff!_ This smells awfully familiar. Hey, Noel would you be a dear tell me what this smells like?"

Noel quickly jumped away from the bed: "JIIIIIIIIIIN! THAT'S DISGUSTING. YOU DON'T FORCE YOUR WIFE TO SMELL YOUR OWN EXCREMENT."

"Excrement? For God sake Noel it's called shit. You're sounding more like your grandma. Not even your mother calls shit as excrement."

"PLEASE JIN! THROW IT AWAY! BURN IT!"

"In a minute." Jin then inspects the brownish stain again: "This looks awfully familiar too. I do have a suspicion what that's."

"FOR GOD SAKE! IT'S EXCREMENT!"

Jin then rubs his index finger on the brownish substance as he tastes it: " _SLURP!_ Hmmmmmm, tasty."

"Oh God!" As Noel covers her mouth: "I think I'm about to...puke..." She was now fully convinced that Jin had lost his mind. She was even thinking of committing him to the Arkham Asylum; a famous mental institution for the criminally insane. A normal mental institution for normal madmen wasn't enough for Jin. What her husband did was so evilly-disgusting that only an evil psychopath would do that to their loved ones in the first place.

"At ease darling, it's only a chocolate."

"It's a what now?" Noel gasped.

"It's a chocolate. I think it's Hershey's if I'm not wrong."

"I'm totally confused now."

"I'm more than happy to explain. You see, I couldn't last sleep last night. I tried everything. Counting sheeps, studying boring subjects like calculus, and I even tried to punch myself."

"You studied Calculus?" Noel was shocked now as he studied a difficult subject like Calculus just to help him sleep. "And why would you even punch yourself in the first place?"

"I know it sounds strange to you. But sometimes it's quite effective. You just have to punch yourself really hard. You know like a knockout sort of punch. The kind where you don't get up after the ten count. It would then, result in a long peaceful sleep, though it's quite painful in the morning."

"OF COURSE IT'S PAINFUL! PUNCHING YOURSELF IN THE FACE! I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHETHER YOU'RE JOKING RIGHT NOW OR TELLING THE TRUTH?"

"Don't think too much Noel, anyways when that didn't work. I decided to eat something as I was feeling quite hungry. So I went to the fridge took out my favourite Hershey's chocolate bar and ate half of it. I was feeling quite drowsy after that. And I could've sworn that I slept on the kitchen's floor. But as it turns out I sleepwalk my way back to the bed. The half of chocolate I didn't eat must've melted on my shirt."

"If it's chocolate, then why does it smell so horribly like excrement?"

"You mean why it smells like shit? Well, that's because Hershey chocolate contains butyric acid. It's the stuff that makes it smells like puke or a cheddar cheese. Now that I think about it you're not wrong about Hershey's chocolate smelling like shit. When you eat a cheddar cheese and when you poop on a toilet afterwards. That poop would still smell like cheddar cheese..."

"Oh God! Stop talking! My brain is full of disgusting images now." Noel tightly pressed both of her palms on her head.

"You're making such a cute face right now." Jin commented after observing the look of shock on Noel's face.

Jin immediately hugged his wife. But after sniffing the horrible smell of Hershey's chocolate on her husband shirt, Noel temporarily went into a catatonic state. Though Noel was conscious her body stopped moving altogether.

"You know. You're my most favourite waifu of all time. No 2D girls could compete with your cuteness. You're the perfect combination of sexy and cute."

Noel didn't respond as she was in a state of stupor. But her Inner Sakura was screaming in agony: _"SOMEBODY SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'M DYING! I'M DYING FROM THIS HORRIBLE SMELL! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_ As Noel's Inner Sakura drowned in the smelly cesspool of Hershey Chocolate syrup.

* * *

 **A/N: And that's it. Noel's Inner Sakura getting drowned in a cesspool; horrible fate I tell you but quite funny at the same time.**

 **Yup, it's a fact Jack, that Hershey's Chocolate does smell like a puke or cheddar cheese. There's even an article on Daily Mail covering this topic.**

 **Jin's acting a bit OOC I know. Jin's personality in this story is based on one of my OCs Jakub. Jakub is my go-to guy for creating humour and chaos in any story. Since he's not here; Jin has taken on the mantle of Master of Jest.**

 **Finally, I intended to write this story for Chrismas but damn I couldn't complete it on time. Joyeux Noel means Merry Christmas in French. The second chapter would basically the end of this story so stay tuned. This was howlin blood typing over and out.**


	2. Dinner at Tiffany's & Mother's Day Out

**Welcome back, everyone. This is the second and the final chappie of this fic.**

 **Yeah like one of the reviewers pointed out that it's an AU. Well, this both true and not so true at the same time. It's AU I'll be honest about it but it's not AU at the same time. Confused? Don't worry because it's an effing fanfic. It's supposed to be to an AU and Canon at the same time.**

 **When you change the ending of any literary work it becomes an AU. Neo lives at the end of Matrix films it becomes an AU. Because Warchoski siblings intended for Neo to become ermmmm a Sun in the system? Yeah, they didn't want Neo to get married to Trinity with kids. That only happens in fanfic people. Anyways, readers, it's show time.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Blazblue, Edward Scissorhands, WWE, Archie Comics, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Sonic, Popeye, Marvel's Hulk and Game of Thrones. All rights belong to their respective owners.**

* * *

Jin and Noel were walking back to their house after going on a date at a snazzy restaurant. The blonde girl then spots sparkling lights coming out of large jewelry shop. She was completely mesmerized by it. There were so many, jewelry there. Noel knew which shop it was; Tiffany & Co is considered the supermarket of every jewelry out there. This was one of the few places left of the old world after most of it was decimated by the Black Beast.

"Jin can we go in there?"

The blonde man nodded.

Noel always loved being here. The management of this establishment claimed their 'name glittered even on the darkest of nights'. Sure their slogan was way over the top. But anyone who visited Tiffany & Co would always be captivated by the aura of the merchandises there.

The people who bought goods from here were usually from the rich families. Jin and Noel looked completely out of place amongst the city's elite. Noel usually felt awkward in such establishment. Jin, on the other hand, didn't give two cents about it. With his devil may care attitude she would felt more confident around him when they visited such places.

As they walked by numerous jewelry display cases Noel's eyes were suddenly entranced by a twin set of hair brooches that had a blue gem attached to its centre.

"That look on your eyes. It's dangerous, high-maintenance girl alert. High-maintenance girl alert!"

"Zip it Jin. I'm not asking you to buy it."

"Well, it's within my purchasing ability. I can get it for you if really want it?"

"Really!" Noel had a hopeful look in her eyes.

"All I need is my eight months salary and five kidneys. I can sell one of my kidneys. I need the other one to stay alive. That leaves us with four. Four kidneys would come from two dead people. Who're the two guys whom I hate the most? That would be Hazama and your father."

Noel immediately elbowed Jin on his right flank: "Aaugh! That was quite painful. Maybe I'm getting close to making you swear..."

"Swearing? You'll have to better than that Kisaragi!"

"In time Noel, in time you would. I know what kind of person you're truly inside, that wild feminity of yours that has been shackled by society, values and mores. That feminine energy inside of you that yearns for freedom, lust for handsome men like me, and her insatiable hunger for chili dogs and fries."

"How did you know about my Inner Sakura insatiable hunger?" Noel immediately covered her mouth. Jin hit right on the mark. Her Inner Sakura had the insatiable hunger for chili dogs and fries. Two things Noel wouldn't touch even if her life depended on it.

"You're inner Saka what now?" Jin had a look of confusion on his face.

"Forget what I said. Let's go home."

After few minutes of walk or so: "Jin, my mother coming over to our place. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, it's fine."

"I'm sorry but you'll have to sleep on the couch tonight, while me and mommy will be sharing the bed."

"Well, I'm again fine under this arrangement. But I have one condition?

"What is it?"

"Install a CCTV camera in the bedroom tonight so I that could watch the WWE match between the Edward Scissor Hands and the Amazing Magic Carpet Licker." Noel immediately elbowed Jin on his right flank again.

"Aaugh! That was the second time you've assaulted my kidney there. You're officially Tsundere now." Jin pressed his right flank to ease his pain.

"I'm not a Tsundere and I never will be...This is just my reaction for tempting me to swear with your horrible jokes. Instead of me cussing you'll get an elbow for every baka jokes you make."

"Damn you're scary." Jin commented nonchalantly.

 _"Yeah, slut that's how you deal with your manwhore CHA!"_ As Noel's Inner Sakura eyes shined like a star on dominating Jin during their conversation. "Quiet you! Don't call Jin a manwhor..." Noel immediately covered her mouth. If she had completed the word it would've been considered as swearing. Thank God she stopped her mouth right on time otherwise Jin would've been successful on his evil mission.

"Man Who? What're you blabbering Noel?"

"Oh, it's nothing."

* * *

Few hours later Noel mother Claire arrived at her house. Noel wisely sent Jin away for some grocery. As Jin had a knack for making vulgar jokes in order to make Noel cuss. This wasn't the right time as her conservative mother wouldn't stand for it. She would only blame Jin for being a bad influence on Noel. Noel wasn't a child as she clearly knew what was right and what was wrong.

But her mother's concerns weren't unjustified though as Noel felt that her Inner Sakura started to use vulgar language all thanks to Jin. She didn't even know that she had Inner Sakura in the first place before she married Jin. So Jin was in a subconscious level way a bad influence on her.

"So how's the work going deary?" Claire asked.

"The shifts at the hospital are sometimes unreasonable. But it's still manageable. I'll get used to it eventually."

"Hmmmm...You're still aren't used to it yet?"

Noel avoided making eye contact with Claire.

"Well, you shouldn't have left your job as a Second Lieutenant in the first place."

"I needed to be..." Noel sighed: "Well…..we needed to be away from NOL..."

"Being a nun at a church wasn't financially feasible?"

"In a manner of speaking yes." Noel sighed again as she tried to change the subject: "Mommy the water is quite warm right now. Why don't you take a shower?"

"I would just do that my lovely daughter."

"Mommy before you go. Could you tell me what happened between daddy and Jin six years ago in Laussane."

"When he came to visit us?"

Noel nodded.

"Well, nothing of significant importance."

"Could you tell me what exactly happened then?"

"Well, they had a talk on philosophy like Descartes and Kant. It was so tedious that I almost caught myself napping hohoho..." As Claire giggled. "Then they drank some coffee and afterwards they went out for fishing. Hmmmmm….That's all I can think of right now."

 _"What? It seems as if they had a good time together. Daddy hardly invites anyone to fishing?"_ Noel thought. Still, she had to confirm if there were any fights between her father and Jin: "Did something happened between them? Like arguments or fighting?"

"Nothing of the sort deary. Is something the matter?"

"No. It's nothing mommy." Noel lied as she smiled at Claire.

Noel was even more confused now. Jin had told her that Edgar had become so incensed with him that he demanded Jin to stay away from his daughter. But her mother on the other told her that both Edgar and Jin had a nice time together. Both of the accounts from the witnesses contradicted each other. Maybe Jin was lying to Noel just to tease her.

* * *

Claire took a nice, warm shower. After washing her hair she decided to lie down on the bed as she dozed off to sleep.

Noel was cleaning the kitchen when she heard a blood-curdling scream of her mother. "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"MOMMY!" Noel panicked as she summoned her Bolverk and ran upstairs.

All kinds of worst-case scenario were being played in her head. What made her mother scream like that? Was it a thief? Or a serial killer perhaps? Was it the 0th Division who wanted to eliminate past political dissidents like Noel? No, that thought in itself was quite ridiculous as Noel was done with NOL long time ago & vice versa. Whatever it was she had to save her mother from the oncoming trouble.

"MOMMY! ARE YOU OKAY?" Noel screamed as she entered her bedroom. Lo and behold there she (Claire) was in a state of terror; the kind of like she had never experienced before.

"Uhhhhhhh! Mommy?" As Noel dropped her Bolverk on the floor. When she entered the bedroom she expected to see a person or a monster with malicious intention. What she saw instead was a brownish-gooey substance covering her mother's hair. Noel was more of confused than scared. What was even that brownish-gooey thing in the first place?

"Hey, I heard someone's scream." As Jin enters the room. On observing his mother-in-law in a state of shock he commented: "Claire are you alright?"

"Haaaaah! How am I suppose to be alright? There is something on my hair...Aiiieeeee!" The older woman panicked.

"Did you sleep on that bed?" Jin asked.

"Obviously...!"

Jin raises both of his palms at the older woman to calm her down: "Don't panic Claire. I know you're scared and all. But you need to listen to the truth."

Noel wasn't paying much attention to their conversation. Something about that brownish-gooey substance on her mother hair didn't feel right. It all looked so familiar to her.

"The truth?" Claire panicked.

"Yeah, Mai and Taro have a baby by the name of Sweep Pea. He's six months old. The thing is he slept there not long ago. While sleeping there, that little monster decided to host a poopy party on the bed if you know what I mean."

Even though, Noel was good nine feet away from her mother. She could still smell that brownish goo on her hair. It also smelled so familiar. She could have sworn that she had smelled that horrible stench before. Maybe from her nightmare.

"YOU MEAN SWEEP PEA POOPED THERE? KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAA! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER?" Claire shrieked, which made Noel came back to her senses: "Wha? What?"

"Claire we sometimes we call Sweep Pea..."

"Who's Sweep Pea Jin?" Noel asked.

"It's Mai and Taro kid." Jin then looks back at his mother-in-law: "Sometimes we call Sweep Pea Turd Body Lotion Bottle. You know. Instead of releasing body lotion he releases turd, hence the not-so-creative name."

Sweep Pea? Noel didn't recall that Mai had a baby by the name of Sweep Pea. Something feels not right. Sweep Pea? Where did she hear that name before? Wait a minute...!

"Jin! Stop trying to fool my mother." "Mommy, he's lying! Mai and Taro are a childless couple. They don't have a kid by the name of Sweep Pea. He is making a fool out of you by using one of Popeye character's name."

"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!" Claire shrieked in horror as unfortunately, she was in a panicky state to listen to Noel's explanation.

"You need to listen to me very carefully Claire. You can't just wash that Sweep Pea shit off your hair with a shampoo alone. No sire. You'll have to first go bald then find a product that contains 10% hydrochloric acid as one of its ingredients. Fortunately, such products are available in most of the supermarkets."

Jin then hands over a card to Claire: "Here's a Metro Cash & Carry one hundred dollar gift card. Now don't ever say that I wasn't a good son-in-law to you ever again."

Noel finally remembered why that brownish goo looked and smelled so familiar to her. It was Hershey's Chocolate. Jin had a bad habit of eating a chocolate bar on the bed before going to sleep...Noel immediately slapped Jin on his arm: "Mommy he is lying. It's not excrement. It's a melted Hershey's Chocolate Bar on your hair."

"Noel we've discussed this before. It's not excrement, it's called shit. Use a proper name woman." Jin whispered in her ears.

"STOP LYING JIN! I KNOW THAT'S A HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE ON MOMMY'S HAIRS." Noel screamed.

Jin completely ignored Noel as he addressed the older woman again: "Listen to me, Claire. If you don't do exactly as I say. All the bacteria, microbes and pollutants from Sweep Pea shit would result in one of the many boils on your scalp. They're not any ordinary kind of boils Claire. They're huge, ugly, reddish kind of boils. The kind, that pulsates as if it has a heartbeat. So you can imagine how painful those boils gonna be once they grow on your head."

"OH LORD!" Claire gasped.

"MOMMY DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! HE'S LYINGGGGG!" Noel screamed.

"Unfortunately Claire, those huge reddish boils are quite fragile and if you're not careful they would most likely explode. Thereby releasing lots of blood and puss. And if those pusses and contaminated blood manages to reach other parts of your skin they would most likely get infected with those reddish boils as well." Jin then started to caress his chin: "Now that I think about it. Your scalp would be like a cool Ground Zero (starting point) for a zombie apocalypse or should I say boils apocalypse."

"KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAA!" As Claire stormed out of the house.

"Now look what you've done. She could be in any part of the streets now. She could be mugged o...or...or... rapped for all we know?" Noel feared.

"I'm sure she's fine. For both mugging and rapping to happen those dumbass criminals need to get up close and personal with your mom. As soon as their nostrils inhale the stench from your mother's hair they'll get knocked out for sure. It's like killing two birds with one stone."

"10% hydrochloric acid?" Noel gasped: "Did you just recommended toilet cleaner for her (Claire's) scalp."

"Funny, she didn't spot my white lie."

"That's not funny Jin. You really hate my mother do you?"

"Nah! I love your mother. It's your father whom I hate. Your mom is practically the only MILFY I've seen outside the porn realm." Noel immediately elbowed Jin on his left flank.

"OUCH! Okay! Jokes aside I honestly find your mother beautiful. You know there was one time when your father wasn't at home. Me and Claire were all alone. I made a beef stroganoff for her over a candlelight dinner. Her beauty was only magnified by those illuminating candle if I recall. It was a sight to behold. As we ate our food we talked about our lives and our broken dreams for countless and countless of hours. She understood me and I understood her in return. We were like a kindred spirit at that moment. Then something happened. I don't know whether it was the wine or not but at that moment. That singular moment of importance we passionately reciprocated our raw desires for one another. The kind of desire that man has for a woman and vice versa. Though it was a short-lived moment. But in one's memory, it lasts for a lifetime."

"You cheated on mommy?" Noel had a look of shock on her face.

"It's not really cheating. You practically share the same DNA as Claire. It's like me having sex with your fifty years old version from the future."

Noel burst into tears: "UWAAAA! HOW COULD YOU CHEAT WITH MY MOTHER? UWAAAAA! YOU'RE THE WORST UWAAAAA!" Noel started to hammer her fists on Jin's chest.

Jin immediately restrained the blonde girl: "Noel why are you crying?"

"UWAAAAA! YOU KNEW I WAS ADOPTED. SO YOU'RE NOT REALLY CHEATING WITH MY FIFTY YEARS VERSION FROM THE FUTURE UWAAAA! EVEN IF SHE WAS MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER. IT STILL WOULD'VE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST HORRIBLE THINGS YOU'VE DONE TO ME UWAAAAA!"

"Noel don't cry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry. I really am. But I thought you knew that I was joking there."

"Uwaaaaa! How would I know? I can't really tell when you're joking and when you're not. Based on your, social status and looks. I wouldn't rule out that you could've seduced my mother." Noel sniffed.

"Based on how cute you're. I wouldn't rule out that your lists of exes are as long as that of Paris Hilton." Jin began to caress Noel's cheek.

"You know I'm not allowed to do that. I was raised as a good Christian girl."

"You know I wasn't allowed to do that either. I was raised to have a faggotty feeling for my brother Ragna for quite a long time. Ahhhh...about my brother I was..."

"I know...you were joking..." Noel hugged her husband tightly while closing her eyes.

"Well, we're both Jon Snow in terms of sexual experience you know."

"Not really. Jon Snow is dating Daenerys now. So that's one more than us. There is no one left in this world who are as less sexually experienced as we are...except for Jughead."

"I would've laughed at your Archie's joke, but it would've ruined the emotional moment we're having right now."

"It definitely would." As Noel softly smiled.

~24th December~

Before leaving for work Noel checked her mailbox in order to confirm whether her shipments had arrived or not. There it was; one whole carton of Oppai (breast) Pudding mail ordered from Japan. A kinky name, that Noel knew all too well. Oppai was one thing that she clearly lacked in her life.

As its name suggests the pudding was molded in the likeness of mini oppai and was wrapped around cardboard holder in the likeness of a red bra. This kinky pudding was marketed for males obviously, but its over the top sweet taste didn't strike many chords with its intended target. However, much to the surprise of many market researchers, Oppai Pudding found lukewarm success with its passionate female consumers like Noel.

Before leaving she made sure that she hid her sweet dish well. As she knew that Jin wasn't even courteous enough to eat her stuff with her permission. When it comes to eating Jin throws every kind of courtesy out of the window. Heck, he even threw their cat Snuggles out of the window when the poor creature nibbled on one of Jin's fish nugget. Thankfully Snuggles was unhurt as cats can survive huge fall thanks to their padded paws.

It was the last day of work at the hospital before the Christmas holidays. After finishing her work she was supposed to meet her friend Makoto in a bar to celebrate her promotion as a captain in the intelligence division of NOL; first Nanaya in the family to do so.

"Woo hoo me and Hibiki are of the same ranks now. Now I can get back at that melon-head for punishing me for my artistic performance." Noel knew exactly what she was talking about. It was her semi-nude dance in the cafeteria two years ago.

"My squirrel senses says he's gay."

"No Makoto he isn't."

"Well, why do suppose he was displeased with my dancing then?"

"Well he needed to maintain order in the military and he was gracious enough to levy only minor fines for your misconduct. Otherwise, you could've faced court-martial for that."

"Court-martial my foot. Besides, why are you defending him? You're supposed to be on my side."

"I'm not defending him. I just thought he did you a favour there."

"Favour? I was the one who was doing the favour to everyone there including Hibiki. I was raising the morale of every NOL soldiers present there."

"Oh, brother!"

Makoto sipped her tequila as she tried to change the topic of conversation: " _Slurp!_ Speaking of NOL. Wouldn't it be better if you had stayed at the Library? I mean both us would've been celebrating each other's promotion by now."

"Well I made my decision and I should just stick with it." Noel sighed as she sipped her drink.

On observing the peculiar drink on Noel's hand Makoto commented: "Faux Orangina? That's not an alcohol...Why are you drinking that anyway?"

"I never quite liked the taste of alcohol."

"You don't drink alcohol for its taste Noel. Besides, I've never seen you drinking any alcoholic beverages before. Why's that?"

"Well, I don't like being intoxicated."

"Or is it because you don't want your daddy to spank you for drinking alcohol. Believe me, you want to be spanked especially in the ass. There's a nice stimulation in that." Makoto winked.

"Makoto! Don't make vulgar jokes."

"Alright, alright! So tell me how is it going with you and Mr. Tsundere?"

"Well, he's not really a Tsundere now. Not for quite a while now. But his Tsundere tendency seems to surface in the form of teasings every now and then. He's a caring guy for sure. But he needs to understand that his jokes are usually quite annoying."

"Well, that's the tragedy of a comedian. Their jokes are considered a source of annoyance for their intended target. It's only funny for the people who aren't targeted by their jokes."

Noel sipped her drink:" _Slurp!_ Well, it's not really like that. He only started to tease me when I unscrupulously told him of the real reason why I never cussed."

"Why don't you cuss then?"

"You know why. The weird thing is that he plans to turn me into Tsundere just to achieve that."

"Maybe you should. Maybe he never wanted you to cuss. Maybe he just wants you to be Tsundere or dominatrix in your relationship. Sort of like femdom. Heck, even Aristotle wanted that."

"No Makoto! There's no evidence that Aristotle was into femdom. It's just a picture you had seen on Wikipedia."

"Yeah, the Wikipedia part is true. But still, it could be true about Jin. There're a lot of guys out there who want that. I call mine Squirreldom. Patented by demi-human extraordinaire Makoto Nanaya." As she performed victory pose.

"Somehow I doubt that. Especially the Squirreldom."

* * *

Noel hugged Makoto before going to her home. Noel checked her watch and realized that it was 1:20 am in the morning. It was officially Christmas and she recalled that her parents intended to see her today. She needed to sleep early and prepare for their arrivals.

When she entered her home she found a decorated Christmas tree in the TV lounge. She had a slight smile on her face. Jin might sometimes be annoying but he was ultimately a reliable man.

Noel then spots a small blue box by the tree. There was no note on it. She opened the box and found twin set of hair brooches inside. Two blue gems were attached on both of those hair brooches. Noel realized that it was the same hair brooches that caught her attention during her visit to Tiffany & Co. They didn't buy it at that time because it was freaking expensive.

She then tried on the hair brooches and looked herself in the mirror. Her new present perfectly complemented her appearance. She then dashed towards the kitchen where she suspected that Jin would be waiting for her; expecting to receive a kiss from his lovely wife for such a nice present.

"Jin, thank you so much for these..." Noel stopped in her midsentence when she entered the kitchen. There he was, enjoying the caramel syrup pudding that was imported from Japan.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm eating Oppai Pudding, didn't know you were into such a kinky stuff." Jin said as he ate a spoonful of the desert.

"I'm not."

"Why is this pudding shaped like a boob? Those Japs sure are pervy. Not that I'm complaining."

Jin ate another spoon of the said pudding: "You also failed the woman's test though."

"The woman test?"

"Woman test was used during the ancient times to confirm the true gender of the bride-to-be. You see in those days the groom's family was not allowed to inspect the sexual organ of the girl..."

"Jin they're still not allowed to check sexual organ of any girl even in this modern era."

"As I saying Noel, so they asked the suspected girl to hide a trinket inside the groom's house. When that trinket is safely hidden they then asked the groom to find it. If the groom fails to find it then the girl is a bona fide woman. And if the groom finds it well...then say hello to the ladybug." As continued to eat the pudding.

"So you're saying that I'm not a woman just because you've found the pudding?"

"Of course not, I know you're a one lovely woman. I was just trying to stall enough time while I finish that pudding of yours."

"That pudding isn't yours. Give it back."

"Why should I? And I know for a fact that you're jealous of these puddings."

"What a ridiculous thing to say. It's just a pudding Jin."

"It's not just a pudding. It's Oppai(breast) Pudding. This pudding got more bust than your real oppais."

"That's not true."

"Come on at least these pudding are shaped like proper boobs. I don't know what to say about yours. When we're having sex I'm not sure whether I'm touching Mama Bear boobs or Papa Bear boobs."

 _"THE GUTS OF THAT BITCH TO SAY THAT. NOT ONLY HE MAKES FUN OF OUR CUP SIZE, BUT THIS SHITHEAD ALSO CALLED OUR BOOBS HAIRY? LET'S GRAB THAT KNIFE AND KILL THAT UNCLEFUCKER..."_ As Inner Sakura screamed inside Noel's head.

"What's the matter, darling? You look shocked?"

"I don...don't know what to say?" Noel knew that she was already losing her control over her Inner Sakura. _"HE'LL BE SHOCKED HIMSELF WHEN WE'LL STAB HIM TO DEATH CHA!"_

"Do you remember that Game of Thrones episode where Rob Stark & Co attends Walder's Frey daughter wedding?" Noel didn't respond as she in a state of shock right now.

"Of course you do! You were literally screaming after the bloodbath and you were depressed for two whole weeks after watching that episode."

"Jin! What are you trying to say?" Noel came back to her senses.

Jin then adjusted his seat:"You don't get it do you? You're incapable of cussing. There's only one way for me to do that, is by turning you into Tsundere. For that to happen I needed to make you so much angry that I would definitely like it. For that, I tried to tease you. That didn't work obviously. Then I tried to spread misinformation."

"Lies. You were trying to spread lies Jin."

"Misinformation Noel and that didn't work either. But when I saw how you screamed at Robb Stark's murder then I realized one fundamental truth."

"Truth? What truth?"

"People tend to get emotional the most when you deliver the bad news immediately after the good news. In that episode, the good news or event was Walder Frey's daughter wedding. And the bad event was obviously Stark's family murder. I did the same, got your favourite hair brooches as a gift that was the good news or Walder Frey's daughter wedding. And the Stark Family murder was me eating your Oppai pudding. So tell me. Isn't that, suppose to be the best way of pushing your buttons? I bet you're Incredible Tsundere now. Or how about Tsundere smash!" Jin winked as he adjusted his chair.

 _"LET'S KILL BASTARD!"_ Noel Inner Sakura screamed like an agitated animal. Noel clenched her fist. Yup Jin wasn't wrong. He did push her buttons real hard. She was now in her Tsundere mode. No! Jin was definitely wrong. He wouldn't like her when she's green and angry. If Jin was wise enough he would leave the proximity for his own safety.

"YA FAKING BISH! I'M GONNA FAKING KILL YA & RAPE YOUR DEAD BODY!" This was definitely not her Inner Sakura screaming. It was Noel as she jumped at Jin like a ferocious animal to attack him. But both of them crash-landed on a cake that was placed on a table nearby.

Both of them were now covered with chocolate cake. "Six pounds of death by chocolate all ruined. It's ironic you were about to send me to lady death if it weren't for death by chocolate cake."

"But why is there even a cake?" Noel finally came back to her senses.

"Well, you always were ambivalent (mixed feelings) about Christmas. It always comes in the way of your birthday. So I thought we celebrate your birthday instead of Christmas with your parents and... with a..." Jin then peeked at now destroyed desert: "Birthday cake... _sigh!_ "

"I'm so sorry Jin. I didn't mean to..." Noel dug her head, onto Jin's chest to hide her embarrassment.

Jin grinned as he caressed the cheeks of the blonde girl: "Well it's not a total loss though. I finally made you cuss."

Noel immediately slapped Jin on his face. "Ouch! But you have to admit I'm better at corrupting people than Mr Satan." Jin then looks at the ceiling: "You know Mr. Satan! You should really resign from your post as the CEO of Hell Corporation and appoint me in your stead."

This made Noel giggled: "Hehehehe...yeah you're right...nobody is as good as corrupting other people as you are...But Jin!

"Yeah?"

"You'll have to promise me, that you'll never attempt those horrible jokes and pranks on me ever again!"

"I swear!

"I need a proper swear Jin."

"Okay! I swear both the on the Old Gods and the New ones, that I Jin Kisaragi would forever abandon my foolish endeavour of attempting those tasteless jokes and pranks on my lovely wife ever again."

"Annnnnd?" Noel asked.

"And If I fail. I would gladly give up my soul."

"Remember Jin! You've made an unbreakable vow."

"I know. I'm done with my pranks anyways. Besides I made your cuss didn't I?"

"Well actually...you didn't." Noel mischievously smiled at him.

"What? You just turned into Incredible Tsundere and you practically assaulted me there. You even called me bitch and... You said the word fuck two times."

"Yes I did turn into Tusdere and yes I almost assaulted you. But you betted on me cussing not Tsundereing. Soooooooo…I still haven't cussed yet."

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not. I called you Bish, not the female dog!" "And also I said the word faking two times not the F You word. As in when you add ING to the word fake. Get it!" Noel winked at the downed man: "So I wasn't actually cussing you, it just an angry gibberish from me."

"Unbelievable! Did I just get punk'd by you...?"

"Also remember you just made an unbreakable vow."

"Oh God! I don't believe this! Where did I go wrong?" Jin covered his eyes with his right elbow in shame.

Noel grinned: "Don't contemplate on your defeat too much Jin, if it helps to ease the pain. Here's the consolation prize." The blonde girl pecked on her husband lips for good fifty seconds or so.

"That's not a consolation prize. That's a jackpot and..." Jin then clicked his tongue: " _Tlick!_ Happy Birthday, Noel."

"Joyeux Noël (Merry Christmas), Jin." Noel smiled.

* * *

 **A/N: That's how it ends** **folks** **. Noel consumed by her inner demons (Sakura) attacks Jin and kills him; not really lol. We don't wanna make this Rated R, do we? No blood and gore people.**

 **But if you're wondering what Inner Sakura really is during this whole time, well I'm more than happy to explain. You see Inner Sakura of Naruto fame is that black lady inside Miss Haruno who's violent, excited and a whole lot vulgar part of her personality** **. Think of Evil Ryu but angrier and a whole lot funnier.**

 **Inner Sakura is the very personification of what Tsundere basically is but with a huge dose of girly steroids. She (Inner Sakura) represents Miss Haruno's real opinion on things when she outwardly displays something completely different. She's Lizzie Mcguire of Anime people.**

 **Yeah, I know. I know. It was supposed to be a Chrismas fic. Even the cleverly French title Joyeux Noel (Merry Christmas) says so. But better late than never right? That too Michel Platini stylishly late style.**

 **Anyways this was howlin blood speaking and wishing everyone A Happy Readings.** **  
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